My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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