wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
