FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
