you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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