all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
