you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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