I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm having to shit out rocks
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize