life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
