Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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