I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
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