guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
