i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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