Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
