guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.