We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
