You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
