A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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