she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
