She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
