We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
