Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
time to smoke my breakfast
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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