4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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