So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
