dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
