I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
