Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
