Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
