My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My penis needs a shock collar
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
