Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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