I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
