when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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