11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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