A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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