3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
