Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
