i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
