i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We left the knife in your bed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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