I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
