it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
