the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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