Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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