im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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