I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
