I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
