god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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