I just saw a hot homeless man
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
