I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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