If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Boobs are out for the taking
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well