You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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