he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You are the jesus of drinking
I lost the right to judge tonight
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
