I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
