you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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