I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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