If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
