I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
