There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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