You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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