I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
